Riding Through The Galaxy on the Hump of a Camel Whose Name You Forgot

Can't remember why I chose this title. I feel dumb and weird, but that's not uncommon for me lately. I'm riddled with anxiety and panic at the slightest hint of interaction. People say that's what happens with starting college but I don't think I would be struggling the way I am with myself if something hadn't struck me. But I don't know. I'm not sure of much of anything. What an existence. My inconsistency got me here more than likely. I feel oddly inferior and like I fall short of all expectations. I feel worthless and boring, yet manic and overwhelming. That's an odd feeling. Not feeling like enough to open my mouth but then when I do it's too much. I wish I had a single thought the least bit legitimate to open up my mouth and spit accuracy. Close family and friends think I hate them, which is terrible. I hate myself. I never meant to project that hatred onto those closest to me, and did my best to cage those thoughts to my own brain. It backfired though. I ended up isolating myself somehow and my mind became a prison that no one tends to visit. Feeling bad for myself won't help. Feeling bad in general won't help. Beginning to wonder if feelings help at all because they only seem to cloud the objectives and relationships that could otherwise effortlessly be maintained. It's sad that this is where I gravitate towards when idle. I wish I could find some solid ground beneath my feet, or just a stable area to lie for awhile. I've been bouncing from one foot to the other trying to cross a mile of hot coal for the last three years it seems and I would just like some consistency. Continuity. Assurance. Confidence. Any sort of improvement. My insides are copper and I'd kill to make them gold. That was stupid. This is stupid. And since I am the thoughts that make me, I am stupid. My inner monologue is littered with false pretenses, forced vernacular, and archaic notions that create a constant sense of loss. My blog/journals are bad and I should feel bad. Especially for that last line. However, self-deprecation is no longer an option. Hopefully. One day I'll find something that motivates me, something that takes me away from the lethargy and depression. Until then, I'll keep my gaze on the horizon and hope for a brighter day. Or for something else to come and strike me down further. Depending on the day, who's to know? Certainly not me. I don't want to spend all day wondering if a glass is half full, half empty, half and half, or any other poor comparison for a mental attitude. I'd rather pour out the glass of stagnant water and start fresh.